GROWING PAINS

I have 5 children.

I feel though, I should come clean as I only, physically gave birth to 2 but, as Rock kindly bestowed me with 3 ready made ones, 5 is my grand total. Despite my having not gone through the agonies of childbirth with all of them, I know, that having steered with them through the choppy waters of adolescence, I can refer to them as mine. I have earned it.

I’m going to break it down for you:

Babies, toddlers… they’re cute. They say cute things. Pull cute faces. They have really tiny little teeth, they smell like air… other people’s babies are the reason that people decide to produce their own versions. Nobody on gods green earth has ever seen an adolescent and thought “awwww I want one of those”. For good reasons.

There are 2 distinctly different breeds …

Male. Your male teen actually wants for little. Like giant puppies they really just need feeding and exercising. For example, if they have a problem with another boy they either shrug it off or punch them… job done. No fuss.

Please Note:You would be wise to expect your boy to make random, mammothly stupid decisions on an average of a 1-3 basis (my personal analysis, not fact)…. until they’re about 33.

The real ,stand out, feature is the aroma. The smell of adolescent male is, let’s say, unique. Peculiarly, though, as despite the pervading scent, your screenager spends inordinate amounts of time in the bathroom – I don’t want to dig too deep there but thought it only fair to warn you.

Female. The female counterpart is a very different beast. Pubescent girls are, fundamentally, frightening.

Taken over a 1 hour period in real time.

Teenage girls have all the raw ingredients of woman: fierce intelligence, insight, independence …. scorn, suspicion, disdain …. but have not figured out how to use these powers for the good yet. Until these powers are harnessed, girls are positively bipolaresque. One minute they’re up, next they’re down, laughing hysterically at something (that is clearly not funny) then, scrape-me- up- flat-on-the-floor….you get the idea. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that you can impart your years of wisdom onto them to ease their angst – you may as well laugh in their face #YOUJUSTDONTUNDERSRAND

Oh, and, may I add, this doesn’t all start when you think. The word “teenager” is a misnomer, leading you to believe that it only comes to bear in the ages with the word teen at the end. You’re wrong. They now take a 2 year run up.

In my day, 11 year olds considered showing people your masticated food, still in your mouth, hilarious. Galloping and skipping were my preferred forms of transport. My friends and I still played with dolls.

The girls/boys have their similarities though: Adolescents in general have no real recognisable vocabulary – facial gestures, for example, are considered a conversation finisher.

Teens are also stupefyingly lazy … I mean it took me 10 years to watch Friends my kids could knock that out over the bank holiday weekend.

They simply cannot pick up towels – they are too heavy.

They cannot use the last sheet of toilet paper – it MUST be left on the roll else they will like, literally, like die.

Teenagers, are like humongous, limbed amoeba. Not yet formed … a rough draft of a person as it were. If you tried to enter one into a exam as an example of a human it would be marked as “incomplete”. Like a tadpole with tail and legs – not quite fully formed. Neither cute nor in any way useful.

The answer? …. uni.

Perhaps it’s gods way of reducing anxiety separation… as by the time they are off to university you are more than happy to drive them to the other end of the country and leave them there. Alone.

Fly my pretties, fly.

By Kim Hawley

I’m a mum ... 48 years on our glorious planet and I have got some stuff to get of my chest!

2 comments

  1. Beautifully written and perfectly on point! Having two teens, one of each gender and a 9 year old who thinks she’s the boss I can relate entirely!

    Like

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