Once upon a long ago the process was simple: you were named after a direct blood relative. Usually John or Alice. End of.

Naming your children now is a heavy burden and one which must be taken seriously to avoid a serious blighting. Will the name be appropriate at any age? Will it date? Will your child’s full name make them a source of national mockery? (think Wayne Kerr)…. will their initials spell out humiliation? (Sara Tracey Dodd)….All factors that must be taken in to due consideration at this important juncture.

The name game is a positive minefield as, not only do you have to find the right name, you then have to be in agreement with your chosen second parent. If your second parent, for example, suggested that you bestow your beautiful new born with the name, let’s say, Apple, then you would have possible grounds for divorce or at least a firm response of WTF? Birds of a feather though do tend to inhabit the same bush so perhaps the voice of reason is absent in your more creative family clusters.

The rich and the famous as an example seemingly have scant regard for the mental health of their offspring – often choosing names so ludicrous that you might think that the “drink, drugs n rock n roll” vibe was pretty much standard throughout Famedom thus dulling their senses to the effects of their indiscriminate naming/maiming.

I was going to do a role call of my personal celeb kid favourites but the list is just endless:

Pilot Inspektor (when one ludicrous name just isn’t enough).

Apollo Bowie Flynn , Kingston James McGregor, and Zuma Nesta Rock (jus all one cerazeeee family here).

Rocket, Racer, Rebel, Rogue, and Rhiannon (poor ole Rhiannon was clearly not planned).

Bear (imagine that in high school).

Kulture (at least spell it correctly).

Stormi (ditto).

Sparrow James Midnight (where did the middle name even come from?).

Esmeralda Amada (think hunch backed and hollering then add high school),

Bingham (weird because that’s my maiden name),

Moon Unit, Dweezil, and Diva Thin Muffin (sweet Jesus)

and the most ludicrous of all

…..X Æ A-12 as even if you could spell it out no one would be able to understand what you were saying.


In the UK, alas, pretty much any moniker is acceptable, not so much though in other corners of the world:

Germany 🇩🇪

The Germans, unsurprisingly, have an “International Manual For The First Name” which must be referred to, additionally, your name must also be gender specific so people know if you have a penis just by your name alone … very precise those Germans.

Denmark 🇩🇰

No margin of error here; you can choose from the list of 7,000 names (half female half male). To be honest 3,500 names is a lot of scope.

New Zealand 🇳🇿

Names will not be approved if they might “cause offence to a reasonable person” but somehow names such as Violence and Benson / Hedges (twins) were given the big thumbs up.

Tennessee 🇺🇸

“ A child of a married couple will have the surname of the father or of the mother as long as it is combination with the father” – either way, in the Deep South, you’re carryin the name of your pappy whether you like it or not.

Iceland 🇮🇸

You can have no more than 3 names (that’s fair enough … see below). Your name must be grammatically correct (a big high five) and shouldn’t cause emotional distress to the child… duh! Well done Iceland. All very sensible and I like sensible. You know where you stand with sensible.

My poor ma, bless her sole, is cursed.

On her birth her parents bequeathed her with 4 names, 4 foreign names at that (as she is indeed foreign). With a grand total of 11 children they may have abused some sort of fair use policy in the names department. Every time she has to give her “full name” it is 10 minutes of her life she will not be getting back.

She knows the pain that lackadaisical naming can bring.

She named me Kim.

Thanks mum.

Phew ….

By Kim Hawley

I’m a mum ... 48 years on our glorious planet and I have got some stuff to get of my chest!

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