MAD DOGS & ENGLISHMEN

So Bj announced that we are at the “beginning of the end of national hibernation” and we can begin to ease the lockdown in England. Should have kept it zipped Boris. The rot has started.

The easing started with schools; hoorah!, declared millions of parents and children alike. Alas, not all of the children are included but seemingly random cohorts picked out of one of BJ’s top hats: specifically, year 6, 1, plus reception and nursery. Year 6 have exams to sit; I totally get that but up until year 2 they still consider licking eachother an acceptable form of greeting so the thinking behind letting them back into school- that is a mystery.

Last week it was the shops and next weekend hairdressers and pubs can fling open their doors once more.

Salons seem innocuous enough but, as a caveat, hairdressers will be required to sport a full face visor. No self respecting coiffure would ordinarily be seen dead in something so hideously pedestrian, unless compelled to do so by law, and thus am envisioning a glut of stylists in therapy with PTSD in a few years time. On the plus side imagine all the small talk that can be had after these “unprecedented times” .. Oh the conversation will never end…No longer restricted to hotbeds of chatter such as where are going on holiday this year & your plans for the weekend. Personally speaking the one reason I hate going to the hairdressers is on account of any awkward silences that I am compelled to fill … else risk imploding.

Pubs though? Really? That, to me seems like a recipe for disaster. The majority of people don’t go with the intention of getting bladdered. Most go to the pub for a white wine spritzer and some good humoured lively debate but 3 spritzers in, flaming Sambukas, dancing on the table and hugging total strangers seem like excellent ideas. Drunkenness and logical thought are not bed fellows.

Thus the parties have begun … as if the end of a world war had been announced, mass gatherings of revellers have been springing up here and there with our young folk letting their collective hairs down which, of course can be put down the follies of youth…Post party though some may have to explain to their nan why she ended up on a ventilator… just sayin.

Foolishness it seems though is not the preserve of the young: hundreds of thousands piled to the coast this week to make the most of a freak heatwave; some even camped on the beach overnight in order to nab themselves top spot. Top spot amongst the other half a million that is; and all with no access to a loo as public toilets are been closed. No matter the circumstance, I can’t even take a tinkle in the ocean due to my excessive quantity of British reserve but, for those less so inhibited, they will have copped a squat near that shore line with everyone else when nature called thus rendering the water line a veritable urine gazpacho. I shall not entertain thoughts of what happens when the other bodily function comes a-knocking. I’m overlooking the pandemic that is still killing thousands worldwide so disturbed am I about the lack of adequate toileting facilities. What, though, is the thinking ? Is it “if they can do it so can we” or is it some kind of covid 19 based “chicken pox party” that was popular in the 80’s; “let’s just catch it now and be done with it” theory. The 3 tonnes of rubbish left on one beach on one day is disheartening … I try to think the best of my fellow man but I must admit it’s a struggle to make sense of it all.

I felt, on Thursday, I had joined them. I visited the shopping centre. I have avoided town based on the principle of not wanting to join the “I don’t give a shite” movement. My trip though was essential. I was expecting though, as with our coastal towns, hoards, all elbowing each other out of the way in a desperate bid to buy a pair of socks and I was about to be one of them. Carrying a heavy burden of shame I arrived at the shops but to my utter astonishment and joy it was practically empty. “They’re all at the beach” said Rock.

“Non so queer as folk”

COVID NEWS COVID NEWS

Worldwide cases 10million

Worldwide deaths 499 thousand

Uk cases 311 thousand

Uk deaths 43,550

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