Smuggling Budgies

I love people watching- to sit back quietly surveying the scene before me rather than actually getting involved, which is far too much trouble.

People, myself included, are so very quirky. Whilst watching others, one thought that has repeatedly dogged me is how self aware I am. It could be be that I’m just a tiny bit judgemental and that I am just assuming everyone is the same and thus it makes me self aware. I believe, though, I’m just very honest and, as a female, I KNOW that I’m being looked up and down even as I sit writing this. We can’t help it. It’s the modus operandi of the female species – biological factoid. Men don’t operate like this I’m sure – they look, they see, and, as long as the male counterpart in view isn’t, let’s say, eating a raw onion, clutching an inflatable flamingo and sporting half a moustache, then he is fair game to be spoken to and judged from there. Much healthier way of being tbh.

So, I’m not judging here, I’m just observing. Man style.

And, from today’s vantage point of a beach, behind a pair of dark glasses, I had a Royal Box view and an absolute humdinger of a time dissecting the scene displayed before my very eyes.

The lady in my direct line of fire is larger than average at, and this is pure guess work, around 24 stone. The undulating flesh is bountiful and doing a jolly stirling job at hiding her bikini. But it is there, nestling under the folds. She caught my eye as she was having a little strategic issue in getting up from the sand but, with a roll and push technique, she managed to become verticle -resilience is a rare thing in this day and age and I am full of admiration; she isn’t worried about being judged, she seemingly has embraced fully the concept of “live life to the full“ (a life which might be precariously short in her case with the likelihood of a life limiting illness being somewhat higher than average due to said love of life). It’s her body and she’s on holiday. Staying home won’t make her a size 12 and wearing a one piece costume is not going to make her weigh less so she’s there, in her bikini with the sun on all of her skin …And why not?

The lady to my right is breast feeding her child -he has fed from one side and is now going round to the other – I say “going round” as he has scrambled to his little podgy feet and walked around her, plonking himself, west facing this time, for his desert – the ravenous little tyke is around 4 years old. Perhaps breastfeeding at this point should be curtailed- He sure will have a surprise when he starts attending his classmates birthday parties – the menu on offer is vastly different.

The gentleman who walked by just now with swimming attire so startling that it made me do a double take? Now there’s an individual with confidence. I was not alone in my staring though as many people were doing likewise but probably not for reasons of admiration; perhaps pure wonderment. Now, the luminousity of his trunks were only overshadowed by the fact that they were skin tight fronted and thong backed. A veritable feast for the eye. All over tanning is a dedicated art form seldom seen on your average beach and I guess his only part untouched by the sun will be covered by a profuse amount of hair – I say that as I can clearly see it spilling out from either side of the minutely covered area. He appears oblivious to the open mouthed gawping and indeed sniggering but perhaps, rather than being misguided, he is just content. Oh to be so free.

There’s a nice modest lady over at the edge of the water in a full, head to toe niqab in, always fashionable, black. I’m wondering though – apart from the face, you aren’t going to get much of a tan. Perhaps it was someone else’s turn to choose the location of this years annual vacation. Maybe it was the less modestly dressed gentleman with her who chose this years holibob location. I have to admit he is looking rather cool in his trunks and with the thermostat tickling 32 degrees he is wise to shed a few layers. Back to his lovely lady, I’m perturbed a little at the health and safety implications should her outfit get wet. Perhaps she is practising for her gold swim badge where you have tread water in your clothes. Perhaps though she won’t swim and isn’t here for a tan, perhaps she is, like myself, another “people watching” aficionado. A talent with 5 small children to keep your eye on, seemingly single handedly. Am full of admiration at her advanced people watching skills. She is a pro.

Young, beautiful, firm bodied young lady on the sun lounger over there is eye catching. She is totally flawless and she’s on holiday with her daddy which is really sweet. Oh they are up for some holiday videos – dad is “official photographer” and his beautiful daughter is sashaying in her scant swimming attire along for the camera and he seems to be really, really enjoying it. Jolly holiday photos will be great to reminisce on in years to come. I’ve observed that he is quite wealthy as the pectoral implants he is sporting are new (think I can see tiny the scar now I have popped my glasses on). Only those with a lot of money left (after bills) would countenance such an extravagant purchase. Adorable that they have such a remarkably close relationship ….hmmm … hold that front page I’m now coming to realise that might not be her father after all. She has just started to nibble his rather hairy ear. Awkward.

There is a family over yonder who are enjoying the sun so much that they have simply thrown caution to the wind and left the sun cream at home today. They look a little carmine in hue but that might be the effects of the tropical sun in my eyes. One of the chaps in the group is little more reserved it seems as he has kept his socks and sandals on. Nobody wants to burn their toes I’m sure. How very prudent.

Oh, what’s this? Here’s a lone traveller coming along. He has had a look around and has prepared his sunbathing spot within reaching distance of mine. How desperately unfortunate that he has come all the way to this tropical island and the beach is so busy that he has had to sit so close to me. On closer inspection though it appears that there is a good mile of beach to lie on and the vile mouth breather is just a pathetic pervert with ideas waaaay above his station…

They say two identical snowflakes are impossible to find and am assuming that it’s because of the unique formation of the ice crystals rather than the fact they melt in your hand before you can get them to a suitable viewing platform – if it is the latter then that’s simply a stupid thing to state.Having had to endure the last 3 days of sitting on a tropical beach I have concluded that the same can be said for people. All different. All unique. What a wonderful world.

By Kim Hawley

I’m a mum ... 48 years on our glorious planet and I have got some stuff to get of my chest!

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