Send In The Clowns

Those Ancient Egyptians are to blame. They loved a bit of slap. Straight outa I’m A Celebrity, Cleopatra used squished up carmine beetles to colour her lips, while other, less wealthy types, used, a rather arid mixture of clay mixed with water to colour their lips…. mmmm so kissable.

Most notable, though, they loved a bit of kohl….a lot of kohl to be honest; think America football player and you won’t be far out. Unlike the myriad of eye pencils down at Boots, kohl, in the 1350s BC was available in all colours as long as it was black and was a heady mixture of metal, lead, copper, ash and burnt almonds. The circles of kohl on and over the eye, were meant to ward off the “evil eye” unfortunately, if they had managed to live long enough (TB normally saw them off) the lead would have eventually killed them- oh the price of beauty.

Our young folk seem to adopted their own way to ward off the evil eye by way of the Fuzzy Felt eyebrow … what on earth? Who, I wonder, started that particular niche make up technique? Obviously, I’m old school and I wake up with my eyebrows already on my face but this has gone, I fear, beyond a joke. My own eyebrow care consists of a pencil now so short I can barely get a grip on it. Modern day eyebrow paraphernalia is a thing of wonder : gels, cakes, waxes, combs and, who would have thunk it?… “thickeners” (Jeez who wants thicker brows for lords sake?) are amongst the plethora of items at your fingertips. There are brow bars on every corner of the street offering all manner of services: dyeing, plucking, waxing, threading even something called microblading which I believed to be similar to inline and roller but apparently not.

Eyebrows are now a £20 million pound industry in the uk. I still, though, don’t understand it. To my shame, I have laughed aloud at total strangers whilst trying to take in the sight of these new facial accessories. But, please stop. Call me old fashioned but it goes like this; you have an image you are trying to create, you attempt said image, you look in the mirror and you can see you have failed. If your eyebrows have taken over your face/ are 3 inches thick/ have actual right angles on them etc…Take them off people! You have failed. It’s ok to fail but only if you learn a lesson from it. It is really not ok to go out in public like that.

I have trawled the interweb looking for the culprit and it turns out it may have been the unwitting Cara Delevingne. Now, quite how poor Ms Delevingne has found herself an unwitting muse for this outbreak of hirsute foreheads, is a mystery but all I know is that if the sale of black Sharpies has not increased tenfold over the last few years I would be stunned.

It does not stop there though, oh no! Contouring? …. this is going to take some explaining. You will have to wait I’m afraid I have to go and practise my eyebrow shading.

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